Sex, Love & Relationships

My Problem with the 90-Day Rule [Spoiler Alert!]

May 22, 2012

Meagan Good, Lala Vasquez Anthony and Romany Malco in Think Like a Man

I know, I know…not another Think Like a Man post, but I’ve been meaning to post about this for a minute now. It just kept slipping my mind.

If you’ve read the book or seen the movie, you know that Steve Harvey suggests ladies wait at least 90 days before having sex with a man. If you haven’t seen it, this post has some spoilers…sorry!

The idea behind this rule is that women will cut down on the number of men they sleep with AND will prevent themselves from giving it up to someone who only wants to get it in (trying to keep it PG-13 here).

But therein lies the problem…

Harvey borrows this concept from his former employer, Ford Motor Company. In chapter eleven of his bestseller, Harvey states:

“Ford’s policy was that you had to work at least ninety days before they’d cover your health insurance; this was the plant management saying to me, we will provide you benefits after you have proven to me you are worthy—work hard, show up on time, follow your supervisor’s orders, and get along with your co-workers for ninety days, and then you can get dental and medical coverage.”

Ok…let’s see what else he says…

“So if Ford and the government won’t give a man benefits until he’s been on the job and proven himself, why, ladies, are you passing out benefits to men before they’ve proven themselves worthy?…By benefits, in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about sex. And if you’re giving your benefits to a guy who’s only been on the job for a week or two, you’re making a grave mistake.”

On the surface it seems like a good concept, right? Wrong!

What happens is that a woman who swears by this mentality is essentially saying that the highest benefit she can offer a man is sex. The greatest benefit a woman can offer a man should not be her body. And furthermore, anyone can have sex. You don’t have to know someone’s life or career history to have sex with them. The connection between both people is what makes it special and sacred.

Ford is a company – totally different from a relationship. People are after more than just sex when they look for a mate. Really, sex is (or should be) relatively low on the list because you can get good sex from any person on the street! Qualities that touch you on deep mental, emotional and spiritual levels is what makes a person truly fall in love.

I don’t know if you noticed it or not, but she (Meagan Good’s character, Mya) did several things for him after a date or so that you wouldn’t normally do for someone you just met – like sending his music to her uncle so that he can resurrect his career – but she didn’t have sex so she could have “self-respect”? And she was set on having sex with him on the 90th day, and even broke her rule after he told her he loved her. He also wanted the sex and was willing to go along with her rules to get it, he had no intention of making things “official”.

My point is this – no you should not go around giving your goodies to every guy that takes you on a date. However, you should look at the relationship as a learning experience, not something where everything has to follow a schedule.But my most important point is:

You can offer a man so much more than your body, so don’t lower your worth by calculating it with what’s between your legs.

What did you think of the movie? Have you ever practiced the 90-Day Rule?

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  • Reply cwsapp757 May 25, 2012 at 10:00 am

    I was actually writing something regarding my issues with this rule but I think it is even better to hear it from a female’s perspective. I honestly thought that you would be a supporter of the rule since most of my female friend argue with me that this little ruleis the best thing since sliced bread. I agree with you however that this rule really seems to treat the female body like it is some item you can just acquire from the store or something on a specific release date. I think if anything, that mentality would increase the likelihood that the guy will bounce once he gets it because as you said, it is treated as if the sex is the ultimate goal that he should be reaching for. Interesting blog. Think I will go and read some more of yours.

    • Reply Jessica May 26, 2012 at 9:50 am

      Thank you so much for reading!

  • Reply Samantha June 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    You seem to look at it like “If you stay with me this long I’m going to reward you with my body; sex.” I think the rule is a good starting point and I think you’re looking at it from a wrong point of view. Yeah sometimes you can’t put a relationship on a schedule but that rule is just to make sure a person doesn’t rush into things too fast. And of course you don’t say from the jump “oh I’m waiting 90 days before any nookie” because all a guy would have to do then is just hold out for that long just to get what he wants. I mean, people used to go by the rule “no sex before marriage” as well and I’m pretty sure that didn’t mean that the only thing someone had to offer in a marriage was sex. It was only a rule, a standard, to go by. Now, standards have slacked… well, changed (I’m trying not to judge lol) and Steve Harvey was just informing women that they need to change their standards; maybe not waiting all the way until marriage, but at least give yourself some time to think on the relationship and see if a guy is worthy enough to receive ALL of you, mind AND body. A guy shouldn’t just want to be with you for sex and holding out is a way to test that. How long you wait is up to each individual but S.H. was just giving people a good starting point and they can modify it how they please. The main point was that a lady shouldn’t just sleep with a guy just because he took her on a few dates, but that she should give the relationship time to grow before you introduce sex (cause sex changes things and if the relationship isn’t build up on a strong enough foundation, sex will ruin it). And S.H. believes that time frame should be 90 days. Now does that make sense? And also I do believe that sex is a special connection between two people and that’s what makes it good, and that you can’t get that from just any random person from the streets.
    Ha, I feel like I might’ve rambled a bit, but it’s just that I’m a strong believer in abstinence in the beginning of a new relationship.

    • Reply Jessica June 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm

      I believe in abstinence in the beginning of a new relationship too, but I also believe in just letting things flow. You have to know when to pull back or keep going and of course this is different for everyone. This is where communication comes in. Talk. See if you all are on the same page and trust what he says. If you can’t trust him, why are you dating him (or attempting to) anyway?

      I don’t believe in INTENTIONALLY testing a relationship either (in regards to your comment about testing him by holding out on sex). That’s playing games and who has time for that?

      I’ve been with the same person for the last seven and a half years so I don’t know firsthand what it is like to go through this phase. But should things not work out and I start the dating process over again, I will go into the situation with caution but I’ll also let everything happen organically. Dates aren’t meant to be something that someone expects a reward for anyway and if he doesn’t understand that, well…on to the next! ;-)

      Thanks for reading and chiming in Samantha!

    What do you think?