Sex, Love & Relationships

Don’t Put A Ring On It :: Are Women The Reason Men Don’t Want To Get Married?

June 18, 2012

I’ve been wanting to write about this for awhile, but I needed to think of the best way to put my thoughts (and some of yours) out there.

I do not claim to be a relationship expert at all, nor do I give relationship “advice.” I just simply add dialogue to the discussion by sharing my own experiences, thoughts and lessons I’ve learned over the years. With that being said, some of the things I’ll share within this post are only my experience and opinion. I’m not saying that the things I share will apply to every relationship nor do I think that what works/doesn’t work in mine will work/won’t work in yours. Also, I’ll be referencing an interesting article I’ve read as well. 

Anyway, the topic I wanted to discuss is marriage – specifically in the Black community.

I’d be lying if I said that as a child, I dreamed of a Prince Charming or being married happily ever after. I’ve never even given much thought to what my wedding day will be like. I know who I’d like to be there or what my bachelorette party should consist of, but in all honesty I’m not really concerned about the “wedding.” I want the marriage.

I’ve been in a long-term relationship for well, a long time. LOL. While we don’t always see eye to eye and need our space every once in a while, we do want to get married to one another – one day. I used to push the issue, for all the wrong reasons, but part of me has felt that he doesn’t want to get married anytime soon. As of late, I’ve started to wonder what part I had – if any – to play in that. When I came across the article on the blog, SingleBlackMale, I had to write about it.

The author suggests that Black men don’t prioritize marriage, therefore they wait longer to actually get married. A conversation with one of his friends (who also owns a relationship consulting firm) resulted in the conclusion that women are the reason men don’t value marriage. (Note: They didn’t say that word for word, but that is basically the gist of the article.)

The friend says that:

Men are waiting longer to get married because the benefits traditionally assigned to marriage are available on the open market.

Hmmm…does he have a point? For the most part, I agree with the friend’s statement. When you think about it, what incentives do men have to get married? In my own situation, I probably have taken away all the incentives to the point that the only difference would be the actual marriage certificate! But is that an excuse for him not to want to get married in a timely manner though?

The friend also goes on to say:

Women are the culprit to the devaluation of marriage. The 1931 invention of birth control, women suffrage/feminism in 1937. All of this was documented in the 1959 book of Alfred Kinsey the American woman and sex. Women thought they were becoming equal to men. … If women decrease the supply of free market sex and place sex behind the iron curtain of marriage, you would increase the number of men wanting to get married.

But doesn’t this view somehow equate men only getting married to have sex? What about love? What about doing it because it is the “right” thing to do? Well, it is if you’re a Christian.

The friend continues and says that women only get married to improve their life. I have to disagree with this because being married does not always “improve” your life. I personally don’t think the areas in my life that need improvement have anything to do with a man. I believe in love and pleasing God, and to me that’s what marriage means and that is why I will forever value it.

The friend also says that women are really the ones who devalue marriage because “men are still getting what they always wanted” and women are “losing.” He also asks the question about whether or not we ever hear men who want to get married complaining about why they can’t (*crickets*) and suggests that women look inside themselves and determine why as individuals they are not married.

Well damn.

The friend ends his debate (at least within the context of the article) by saying that women should try and find out what a man wants because if we want the position, we need to know the qualifications.

What do you think? Does the friend have a point?

Related posts:

1. Dangerously In Love

2. Can We PLEASE Stop Pretending Like We Know What Goes On Behind Closed Doors?

3. Class Is In Session: Pimping 101 By Chris Brown

4. My Problem With The 90-Day Rule

5. How To Scare Your Potential Mate: Hit ‘Em With The List

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  • Reply Shaketta June 18, 2012 at 11:57 am

    I agree with the friend in some aspects, but I also think that if women make it a priority to marry before giving in to the ways of the man or society it would be better. I believe the benefits are marriage are out in the open without it being certified. For example, women who are in long term relationships who have several children with their partner without being married. This plays a part in men thinking that marriage is not a priority, in my opinion. Some people mistake the wedding for marriage. It takes more than a “wedding” to make the actual marriage work.

  • Reply Nikeia James June 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    I think it’s a great deal of stress to ask a woman not to give in to “the ways of the man or society” because a woman who is not having sex and who doesn’t dress to ALWAYS show off every single assett she owns does not get courted (in this day and age) does not get flirted with, does not get as much attention in general as a woman doing all the things a man likes. I say this because I’m one of the women who doesn’t do all those things. And of course I want to be respected, but I don’t want to be lonely either. It seems like that is what it sums up to, because I don’t know/hear about too many men or couples that aren’t having sex or men who aren’t cheating because their women aren’t having sex. This is the single community–married folks are a whole other topic. Maybe these women are just tired of waiting on a man to make up his mind because seriously we will be waiting and that doesn’t feel good all the time. I AM NOT condoning pre-marital sex or women being promiscuous, just stating what I know every woman has felt.

  • What do you think?